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Advice needed...

Posted by thedon29 - Created: 9 years ago
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10 replies (Showing replies: 1 to 10)

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Posted by thedon29 - 9 years ago

Just to let you know, they have patched things up and are back to their loving ways. Thanks for all your support and comments....

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Posted by JMC-684723 - 9 years ago

How's it all going?

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Posted by Lazer - 9 years ago

They both need to see a counsellor, first independently and then together. They will be given "homework" to do to see if they can sort things out. It's quite common for women to feel neglected once kids come along, partly because it takes a lot more effort to spend quality time together. It sounds like the wife is fed up with being taken for granted. If they can't communicate about their issues calmly then they should do it with a mediator. In the UK Relate are really good for that sort of thing. I don't know about Cyprus though...

L

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Posted by JMC-684723 - 9 years ago

Hope that he and his wife manage to sort things out. Life is about being happy, not miserable and that happiness should be the end result - whatever happens...

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Posted by thedon29 - 9 years ago

Hi JMC. I showed my friend your last reply and he says thanks.

Reagrds...

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Posted by JMC-684723 - 9 years ago

Yes, he should definitely approach his wife with the suggestion of getting some professional help. They could, of course, try to sit down and work it out between themselves first (without the child being around!). If she says that she doesn't want to be with him as they shout if front of the child then there must be other underlying issues that are around. Purely wanting a separation because they shout is not a reason at all! What do they shout about? (I am not expecting you to reveal this but your friend should ask himself the same question).

If the whole situation revolves around his wife's belief that he is not a 'family man' then he really needs to know what her idea of a 'family man' is. It can mean different things to different people. To some it might mean 'provider', to others it might mean rolling around in the grass with the kids and play-fighting, or changing a nappy at 3am! Other ladies expect their husbands to take them out every weekend for lunch and dinner, entertain the kids at ridiculously priced luna parks and generally, spend a fortune on them.

What does she want? Has he actually asked her that? If he is worried that they will argue if he brings up the subject then he could ask her to write it all down in an email or leave a letter on the kitchen counter; something that he can refer to again and again. He could do the same for her.

All the best.

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Posted by thedon29 - 9 years ago

Hi JMC. His wife moved out for the same reason saying he didnt spend alot of time as a family man, but she returned after some compromises. She did take the child with her. Shes claiming she doesnt want to be with my friend because they keep shouting in front of their child, which seems fair enough, but he really doesnt want to lose his marriage and is willing to get help and advice. Do you think he should tell his wife about getting some kind of marriage counselling or advice with him? Hes very depressed at the moment and will do anything.

Also, thank you to everyone else who replied. I will pass on the comments...

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Posted by JMC-684723 - 9 years ago

Complicated. Why did his wife move out before and then return? Did she take the child with her? Did they try to 'compromise' after the first move-out? What brought the whole situation to a point of her moving out? Sit down with her, ask her what she wants and expects from you and, in turn, tell her what you want and expect from her. If you can't talk at home then have a meeting in a public place, somewhere where you won't get angry and upset.

For the sake of their child though, they should seek some form of help. This is all very distressing for him/her. Even if they are trying to have 'discreet', or whispered words in the corner of the kitchen, be assured that the child will have a fairly good idea that things are 'not right' in the house (depending on the age, of course). There is absolutely no point in trying to save a marriage that doesn't want to be saved just for the 'sake of the kids'. Take it from an adult who is a child of divorce! An amicable separation is often far better. If he believes that he has done everything in his power to try and make the best and happiest life possible for himself and his family and situations don't change then, at least he will know that it is beyond his power.

You only get one chance at life. At least make it a happy one.

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Posted by Spanner-666908 - 9 years ago

The bloke should be talking to professionals, not a forum!

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Posted by red2000 - 9 years ago

Hi there, I just wanted to tell you that I've been in his wife's position many times and the worst thing is that men do not understand what we mean. Is not the housework that may do once a week or the half hour that they may play with the children but is their actual attitude in the house. We don't like to have a husband spending the whole evening in front of the laptop or just watching tv without giving any attention to their wifes and children. Also, is the way they talk to us, we need this extra care and attention. Women need all the time attention you can't neglect them. Doing once a week something is not enough. In my experience, if he decides to change he has to show her. He has the chance now that they still live together. It will be hard in the beginning but if she loves him she will give a chance.but he must change for real! not just in the beginning.

Of course all these if she still loves him and if there is not a third person. When a woman finds interest from another man is an ended story. A conversation and a genuine interest from the man are initial.