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wondering why?

Posted by cotedazur-193720 - Created: 16 years ago
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10 replies (Showing replies: 1 to 10)

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Posted by theresponsibleadult-188195 - 16 years ago

***Raucous, over-the-top standing ovation for APRIL’s posting.***

**Mummy told me once too often that I wasn't setting a good example; now I just strive to be a terrible warning.**

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Posted by APRIL-193724 - 16 years ago

I was in a similar position a few years ago when my partner moved to Italy and i wanted to support him in his career so he went to Italy and i stayed in the UK and in Italy 3 days a week.

After a period of time we established that i didnt want to go to Italy to live (I also have a career) and he couldnt get out of his contract or get another job in the UK.

Our relationship turned upside down and eventually we had a really bad break up. Now i see it was because we werent honest about our fears and our problems and we didnt communicate effectively.

So i urge you and your wife to sit down and talk about your options. Communication and a level head is what you need. You have to work as a team, support each other and set yourself some goals (short, medium, long term). As other people have said your wifes pregnancy will make it difficult for her because she will feel all topsy turvy at the moment - you must be patient if she seems a little selfish at the moment, but communicate with her if it upsets you.

What is the most important thing to you/your wife now? next year? in the future?

how can you acheive what you want to? How long will it take?

What is making you happy? how can you do more of it?

what is making you unhappy? is it really that important? how can you deal with it?

what would make you happier? plan how you can acheive it.

You must establish what your options are. It seems that it is not sensible for you to move from your present home without giving it a great deal of thought. It would not be good for you to be unemployed with a new baby. How would it make you/your wife feel if you gave up on your new opportunity in France?

What would make you/your wife feel better about staying in France - new friends? could members of your family/friends come and stay for a month at a time to support you and your wife? the lady that offered to meet up with your wife seems like a very kind offer which you should consider taking her up on.

Sit down, write down all the options and dont rush into anything. Ask your wife to consider the options also but to bear your future together in mind. If she needs to go home to discuss things with her family and friends maybe it would be a good time to do it now so that you also have time to think or see your family and friends. Your friends and family will offer good advise and a bit of distance might put into perspective how much you mean to each other and what that means in terms of making sacrifices on each others behalf.

You have to find a balance between what is best for you individually and as a family. It is hard but its easier if you are both working together and not giving each other ultimatums and are discussing what seems impossible and making it possible.

Dont make any rushed decisions that might leave you in an even worse position.

Maybe you can see this baby coming as a last ditch attempt to make things work in France.  If your wife starts her pregnancy here you have ....months? to make it work before she has to go back home. Make the changes in your lifestyle which will give you and her a chance to make it work.

And dont get too het up about the grafitti on your property. In the end it is only bricks and mortar.

I wish you both the best of luck.

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Posted by SirLurkalot - 16 years ago

I'm with the poster who replied earlier that you should move to Antibes.  It's a friendly attractive town, but it's true you rarely speak French unless you want to.

I just don't understand why people moving to the CdA choose to live in Nice.  It IS a hostile, dirty environment full of unfriendly people, and I don't like visiting there.  So why does anyone want to live there?  Could it be that they don't look anywhere else?

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Posted by Bernie-192388 - 16 years ago

Hi Cote D'Azur

I have recently moved here tooo, following my husband's work. I too cry all the time and don't like it very much. And I too have stopped counting the times I have trodden in poo!!

It's hard to make friends if you don't work (like me) and this part of the work can be quite unfriendly. But don't dispair. The weather's getting better, and the French health service is excellent... and I suppose a good way to meet people in the community is through having children.

I have friends that have hated the first six months (French people as well!!) but they assure me that they now love it and wouldn't change live anywhere else.

If your wife wants someone to explore with or just a cuppa in town or something, get her to email me.

I hope things get better - this should be a happy time for you. Good luck with everything.


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Posted by Daisyflower - 16 years ago

Coolas is probably right, when I was pregnant I cried all the time, was utterly miserable and could blame my partner if there wasn't snow when I wanted it!!!  Although I really don't recommend you tell her this, as that might have her packing and heading for the door. This is also a time when a woman wants to be surrounded by friends and family, and I can understand how lonely one can get here.  Even after several years and some great friends, it is not the same as friends who have done the time and have a long history together.  However, I think that leaving, possibly loosing your career and  incurring a financial loss at a time when you need all your security, would be a mistake.  Is their away way that she could spend more time in Paris with her friends while she feels this desperate?  Hormones really are dangerous and can turn the sanest women into an irrational monster - and it may not be them, she may just hate the place.  I still can't say that I love it.  Talk to her and try to find away to have what you both want - while two years is a long time it's not a life sentence and unemployment is not a great idea when you have a baby on the way!

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Posted by Myop - 16 years ago

You've learned the first fact of Riviera life: this isn't like the rest of France. Any more than Naples is like the rest of Italy or Birmingham is like the rest of England or... well, you get the message.Most people find it gets better. I hope you and your wife do too.Try to see the cup as half full rather than half empty. If you look at things that way you'll find it all a bit easier.

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Posted by coolas - 16 years ago

Why is your wife threatening to leave without you?  That's not really what marriage is all about, is it? 

Realize that because she is pregnant her hormones will be playing havoc with her emotions and this is probably exacerbating the situation.  I understand that you must  be feeling 'culture shocked' but to leave after only a few months (and this applies to your wife also) is really rather defeatest - one can't always be in an ideal situation and if staying in this job is to the benefit of your long-term future, then that is what you should do and I'm sorry to be a little harsh, but your wife should grow up and support you in the fact that you are doing what you have to do to secure a promising future for both of you.

When I first landed here (from NYC) it was difficult - I had no friends and didn't know where to begin to make some, but slowly but surely, I did.  Patience is needed here, your wife might find that once she has the baby - doors to friendships might open more easily.  I have a toddler and I have made loads of friends that way, as well as other ways - sitting and wallowing in misery will not help and high-tailing it home will not be something that she will be proud of down the road.

Yes, the French can be a bit cold to start with (I work with all-french and am the ONLY english person in the company) but if you give them a while to get to know you, if you are friendly and smile, they will eventually warm up and when they do you will find that they are fantastic people - just like us!

Finally, the French have a fantastic health care system - rated amongst the best in the world - your wife should not worry about delivering here (and I know an English speaking ob-gyn if she is in need of one) it is no different than delivering elsewhere.

Give it time - who said it would be a breeze?  Speaking from my own experience - the first year was quite difficult, but two years on and I love it here - have a fantastic crowd of friends - and where else can you see the snow capped alps as you drive to work?  You are blessed to have the opportunity to experience life somewhere else - take the opportunity and relish it!

Best of luck and keep your chin up!




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Posted by tkw - 16 years ago

You didn't mention where you came from but if it is outside the EU you would be giving the baby a useful gift by letting it be born in France. Even if you leave in a couple years, the baby will be able to inherit your citizenships (usually) and keep its french citizenship.

Your life sounds like a blues song... but there is always a positive side.

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Posted by Aroncb - 16 years ago

I find most people tend to treat you the way you treat them.  (Bar partners)

I think it must be the season for relationship issues.  They seem to be everywhere.  I think they might be contagious so stay away. 

`Nothing can be most important than a good healthy mind, food at home and a confortable bed to sleep.`  - Ouch I'm sleeping on a couch, I have no home here and my health of mind could be an intersting debate :-) 

What does it all mean?

At least I am not in London waiting to be bombed on the tube.

Why can't she have the baby here?  The health service is a damned site better.

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Posted by flaka - 16 years ago

Hello there!

Oh dear.. you seem to be in a hard situation.

But i tell you something   "Don't give up"

Look around you, just days ago many people died in Madrid, also there are lot of people with biger problems ( wars in many countrys, children suffering) at the end what's most important is life (health).

I'm sure a good talk with your wife telling her all the things as you said here will make her a understanding person ( don't want to say that she is not) but even me that i'm not your friend or family would like to say something to help.

Nothing can be most important than a good healthy mind, food at home and a confortable bed to sleep. Enjoy what you have now...to get great and big things in life is always better to start with the smaller ones and apreciate what we have..

God bless you...